Inside ADHD
If you read my last blog you learned I am autistic and also have ADHD. Why is this something I denied though? For starters, because I'm a girl, and for many years I had this belief that it didn't exist. We all must have it, right? WRONG!! We sure don't.
Many of my adult years were spent hating every single mental illness ever handed to me as if it were a horrible thing. It took me more years to find peace and healing within myself and understand I wasn't the mental illness. I proved that I could be just an ordinary person and be myself. My socially weird self, and hold jobs, and live normally. Life teaches us so many things a long the way too. (ADHD is a neurological condition and not a mental illness.)
Back to ADHD. What is ADHD? When you think of it, what comes to mind first? Is it that kid who won't sit still in class, always fidgeting with their hands with random items, the kid who spaces out in class who never seems to pay attention, or the kid who seems to focus so much on one thing at any given moment because it sparks an interest of theirs. While these are characteristics of ADHD, they are stereotypes of what an individual with ADHD might experience, but is not at all what ADHD is! It goes so far beyond surface level of what you might see on the outside.
While we might think of children as having ADHD, but many adults also have it and are struggling daily. This is NOT just a disorder for children as many grown adults also have this as well and it can range from mild to severe. It is such a complex chronic neurological condition.
It affects how you pay attention, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness, emotion regulation, but it goes far beyond just this and what a person may go through on a daily basis. It CANNOT be prevented or cured. However, it can be managed with therapy and sometimes medications.
Early management is always helpful. We need more awareness on ADHD. More people who aren't denying the existence, and doctors who aren't relying on teachers to send children to them to be evaluated or referred for evaluation. Majority of pediatricians will say their teachers are a parents go to because they spend the most time with their children.
Not all students (especially young girls and women) exhibit the same signs and symptoms for teachers to even know. So what then? Doctors aren't asking the right questions for this either. So how are we supposed to get help when they are young? How are children supposed to get help if parents are undiagnosed and are unsure of what to look for because their kids behavior is just as normal to theirs, and so they are being punished instead of being supported and helped? We need to be asking the right questions, especially when this pertains to the wellbeing and development of so many children.
I knew from my own experiences as a kid, and even as an adult, how to handle it and talk to my children. I never punished them for their behaviors they didn't understand. We discussed it instead. When it came to their outbursts, meltdowns, and inability to handle certain emotions appropriately, I allowed them to have space to calm down, and then talked to them about what went wrong and how to handle it better. I refer to this as 'big emotions'.
Essentially we are raising tiny humans with unmanageable human emotions and behaviors. They are clueless on how to do what we do. We already spent years processing and learning what we know. They haven't, its our job to teach them. What do they learn by us punishing them, yelling at them and talking down and making them feel less then us.
I look at my kids as equals, I talk to them, have conversations with them and teach them on a level they understand for their age. I expect progress, never perfection! Grow with your children and help and support them. They aren't born knowing everything so don't expect that from them. We've got to stop raising the bar so high we couldn't have reached it at their age! Take time to acknowledge and view things from other perspectives. Also and most importantly take time to listen to your kids and what they are trying to tell you, often times, we aren't listening. Listen with the intent to support and find a compromisable solution.
I remember trying meds in 2nd grade. They helped for a while but after a couple years it didn't seem to be as effective. While meds can be helpful they aren't always the answer especially in children and as a first step solution. I highly recommend behavioral-therapy first.
This teaches children learned coping strategies before meds, but parents and even teachers need to be involved. This gives a child the best possible support and resources possible to thrive with ADHD. It also teaches parents valuable skills as too. Lets face it, parents need to know how to connect with their children at home and how to handle behaviors, etc. they cannot help if they do not know what to do. There needs to be more awareness on ADHD as a whole and what it is exactly.
I don't blame anyone for my actions when I was younger, but I wasn't taught great coping strategies. I had horrible impulse control. I got in trouble a lot! I always had this overwhelming feeling of never being good enough. I didn't do well in school. I constantly heard the negatives and that there was something wrong or something needing to be fixed about me.
It wasn't until my 7th grade year, I specifically remember my math teacher sat with me after school to help with my class work. I NEVER understood math. She broke it down in a way that for the first time in 7 years I semi got it! She took it step by step in a way I could understand and process what she was saying and it was making sense to me. That was a true gift for me. I never forgot that moment. I needed that, I needed to know I had the ability to actually learn this crap. I was really in a dark place that year. She was my light in that moment! Its sad because I had an IEP, but I wasn't getting the help I needed.
**Side note- teachers you are truly amazing people!! You have an incredible gift of reaching children in a way you honestly have no idea how powerful that is!! To my 3rd grade teacher, 6th grade science, 7th grade math, 7th grade language, my GED coach and mentor, and there's a couple I can't remember names, but whom are now friends. Thank you! You think you are teaching a class, but to some students you change lives and even save them!!**
Many reached out about Richard and him having ADHD. I've known for years that he has ADHD, just getting a formal diagnosis as an adult is not an easy task. Also I am not a fan of labeling someone with something either. Right now my main concern is getting Richard help in the form of therapy, which is more beneficial then him getting offically diagnosed with ADHD. Him facing his past trauma is much more important!
ADHD and trauma often feed each other making things worse. They also mask one another as they are very similar. So Richard hiding away into a label excusing his behaviors and self isolating into this world he's been creating for himself over the last 3 years isn't helpful, and self diagnosing and labeling isn't going to help him or me.
I've been having to micromanage his life and time and emotions, and its exhausting. People don't see the behind the scenes and I don't talk about it because its his business. With his permission I am adding it to this blog so people understand why a label can be harmful. Its also a glimpse into a secret life I live to help support him daily.
Its hard to really offer anyone help if they don't open up fully about something. Richard is VERY heavily guarded but will tell you he has ADHD but won't tell you he has trauma and needs help/support. Sometimes the label itself can do more harm, which isn't always beneficial to someone. Please be careful with this!
If you think someone does have ADHD and is struggling or wants help, have them seek out a therapist or neuro-psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis. Please do them a favor and point them in the right direction.
I did get Richard's permission in adding this publicly. If you are reading this and know him personally, please know he is not in a place to discuss his personal life. Please respect in knowing that he needs space as he works through things himself. Richard and I appreciate any support and encouragement anyone would like to give him.
Richard's struggles with ADHD go back to childhood. In 3rd grade one of his teachers brought it up. He was punished and threatened for his lack of concentration and behaviors in the classroom. He had to figure out a way himself to do better, but with each year it became harder and his grades slipped. It was harder to managed life and the pressures coming from home to reach the expectations set for him.
This is what I've observed over the years. Not even as a parent, but as a child, as a teen, etc. We're punished for behaviors we cannot control because the adults in our lives don't understand and aren't listening to us! Its not the lack of concentration that is hurting us in school. It goes far beyond that! You have to understand what ADHD is to know why school and life is challenging and what YOU, the adults, can do to help make life easier for us! We do try to tell you in our own ways, but are you listening? Are you receptive? If our teacher reaches out, do you believe them, or blame us and tell us to do better?
ADHD has a 5x higher risk of suicide! Yes you read that correct. Girls/women have a higher rate of self injurious behaviors that aren't related to suicidal behavior. Such as cutting, drug abuse, etc. There was a 49 year long study done on this and research is still going on girls/women and self harm and why it happens at such a high rate within the ADHD brain. It is found that the ADHD brain develops differently, and more research is also going into this today.
Interestingly my MRIs might show this. I have my own theories, and haven't brought it up yet with my neuro, but will once I get more info of my own put together. Two years ago I started ADHD meds for another condition. But I will say I can function WAY better, my thought process is clearer. I can organize tasks better too. Its weird, because was it that I was as fatigued prior or was it that I just couldn't process and organize tasks well enough and that made my fatigue worse?
I was looking at everything at once and getting too overwhelmed and thinking there was no way I could do it all. I don't know now. Its hard to think of how to process my day or even words efficiently without. I do have fatigue issues thanks to chronic pain and brain fog is a thing too. But forget the meds and completing tasks is harder, processing things is more of a challenge as well.
I'm in no way saying that medication is always necessary, because its really not. Not everyone who has ADHD will need medication. Many do fine with behavior modification therapy and learning techniques to manage life, etc. Sometimes medication can be a helpful tool in managing things on top of also using learned techniques. It's certainly not for everyone though. Just because someone has chosen not to use medication doesn't mean their ADHD isn't less severe or less valid then anyone else's. They just chose a different means of managing and that's ok!!
Majority of ADHD meds are addictive, and if you are someone who has or will tend to have an issue with abusing medication then finding other ways is also best. Judging someone for choosing an alternative method of treatment is hurtful and causes real damage when you could just support them instead.
ADHD is not a new and cool fad, its not something we all have. Its not just a lack of concentration or a need to move or fidget. It is a very real neurological condition that alters how our brains develop and work as a whole. It effects how we perceive time, regulate emotions, impulsive behaviors and actions, inability to sit still, being too inactive, and SO much more!!
ADHD is not caused by too much screen time, or eating too much sugar, or even poor parenting.
If you suspect you or your child might have ADHD I suggest you talk to your primary care doctor or your child's pediatrician. Do your own research, and seek a neuro psychologist who can help in the diagnosis process. Learn to advocate for yourself or your child.
Together we can raise awareness on something that is so common yet the world seems to know so little about.
Please remember to be kind, you never know what the people around you maybe going through. 💜
